#17: A guide to making friends and finding third spaces in your 30s

Be cringe (it's okay!) and go to the impromptu meet up your favorite substack writer is throwing.

We love to tell people that making friends in your 30s is hard.

You don’t have the built in routines of school that mean you’re guaranteed to run into each other on the quad multiple times a day and talk for hours about that one guy in your intro to poli sci class you think is hot.

We bemoan the lack of third spaces - places outside of home and work where we can hang out and spend time with other people we feel connected to - but we get stuck when we don’t know how to go out and build those spaces.

I know it’s daunting. But making new friends is actually so fun.

Sometimes you just need to eat a burger and drink a glass of chilled red wine with a friend.

My friends have always been the most important people in my life. The ones that see me for me, show up when it hurts, call me out on my bullshit, and match my energy when a Wednesday night turns feral.

When I moved to LA a year and a half ago, I was living alone for the first time, working remotely, and all in on meeting new people and building community.

When I told a friend from the bay my new apartment had coin operated laundry in the basement, she exclaimed, “That’s SO great! You can meet your neighbors.”

I felt weird about it, but I started saying hi and introducing myself whenever I ran into someone in the damp laundry room that flooded whenever two machines were running at once.

Some people stared back at me confused, others mumbled hi back, but I kept trying. Two months in I finally encountered a neighbor that matched my energy.

She had moved to LA from Florida a year before me to work at Disney, and offered to add me to the neighborhood group text she had started.

We got margaritas a few weeks later, and found ourselves laughing and crying all night as we swapped dating app horror stories.

FIVE WAYS TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS AND FIND THIRD SPACES:

1. FIRST, TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW YOU’RE OPEN TO NEW FRIENDS

When I moved to LA, I put out a call in this very newsletter asking for friend recommendations. I told my college friends, my New York co-workers, my SF friends, my brothers, and anyone else I happened to be talking to.

Not every blind friend date was a win. I trekked out to Venice on a Saturday night to sit at a tiny table with a girl I had nothing in common with. She picked at an austere piece of fish (we were at an Eater approved Italian spot known for their pizza), bemoaned that she “just like doesn’t read,” and talked a lot about the white beamer her dad gave her. On the hour long drive home, I wondered if I’d seen her face move a single centimeter during our entire dinner.

But the good ones make up for the bad ones. An old co-worker introduced me to an ex New Yorker that just so happened to be my neighbor in Los Feliz. We hit it off so much after our first outing that we went to a speed dating event together later that week. You know, for the plot.

2. GO DO STUFF THAT SOUNDS COOL WHERE YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY MEET PEOPLE

My weirdest experience in this whole endeavor was when I found myself at a “friend speeding dating” event at a wine bar in Chinatown on a Sunday afternoon. I paid $19 for the ticket, and sat through four forced rounds of conversation starters with strangers. The problem? We had absolutely nothing in common with each other.

And my best experience? Attending a substack meet up at a divey bar in Highland Park that was born out of the comments section of Maybe Baby newsletter on how to make new friends in adulthood. I was a casual Haley reader, but my sister in law texted me the post and said “people are organizing a meet up in LA in the comments section you have to get in there!”

I showed up at 6:30pm on a Tuesday to find myself surrounded by over 20 other women that also lived on the east side, loved substack, and had thoughts about where to get the best shag haircut. After asking one of them to grab coffee a few days later, I knew she was a real one when she agreed to meet up at 9:30am on a Sunday in a town that refuses to get up before noon.

3. BE CRINGE.

I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to be cringe. I know you have an image to maintain. But I promise it’s worth it.

Say hi to to the girl from your barre studio when you run into her at the coffee shop after class. Follow your friend’s friend you met once at a group hang on Instagram and slide into their DMs to ask them on a walk. Strike up a conversation with your neighbors in the laundry room.

Put good energy out into the world and you will find others that match your energy.

4. SHOW UP EVEN WHEN YOU’RE TIRED.

I joined a book club that was formed by the Maybe Baby LA crew (the elusive millennial coded literary book club where we sit around someone’s living room talking about Eve Babitz and drinking wine) and committed to actually going. Even when I didn’t like the book. Even when I was tired. Even when I was behind and found myself frantically speed reading two hours before. I respected the monthly ritual.

I went to house parties alone where I only knew the host. I tagged along to a basketball game viewing in silver lake with zero allegiance to the team (cut to me screaming when The Knicks proceeded to win).

5. KEEP UP WITH YOUR OLD FRIENDS TOO.

Text your friends random photos from your day. Send them the new Maren Morris album because you know they’ve been flirting with their country pop era. Record voice memos for them after a first date. Send them letters in the mail. Post on BeReal for the three friends that are still there.

I’m not always great at the long distance thing. It’s hard. It’s messy. Sometimes I don’t know how to respond to a “how are you” text when everything feels overwhelming. There are times I’ve felt left out of their lives, and they’ve probably felt the same way about me. But I love them, and I want them to know how much they mean to me.

Don’t forget to actually book a plane ride to go see them and hold them close.

Where’s the most random unexpected place you’ve met a new friend? I want to hear about it!

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P.S. If you’re in LA, Camber (also on substack!) has been one of my favorite weekly newsletters for finding out cool stuff to do in the city with other cool people.